Trigger warning: this article discusses sexual assault
In part one Calleigh spoke in great detail about her sexual assault at the hands of someone she trusted and the immediate aftermath and reaction in the wake of that devastating night. In the second and final part she discusses her life after the event, her coming to terms with what had happened, and how society still has a long way to go in terms of combatting rape culture.
Life goes on, or does it?
Life went on for Calleigh, albeit without her hopes and dreams being realised, but she carved out a new path. Having survived the years of self-abuse she gradually moved on. She forged a career, settled down and had a family. It was all behind her, or so she thought. She had learned to live with what had happened, at least that is what she believed. The reality was far removed though.
Unbeknown to Calleigh the events of that night had left a lasting impact on her. She kept people at arm’s length, even her partner. If he touched even her arm without her expecting it, she would flinch. Calleigh was completely unaware of this reaction; it was an inbuilt subconscious thing. Calleigh was the life and soul of any party. She knew how to make an entrance. She wore a mask, and she wore it well.
As the years went by Calleigh put the trauma behind her, never telling a soul. She never told her family – after all, her mother had just assumed the worst, so what was the point? And besides, rape wasn’t a topic that was discussed in polite company. She also kept silent about it with her partner for years. It would take a second breakdown before – 11 years after they got together – she eventually explained what was wrong.
A voice reclaimed, a trauma that lingers
Calleigh eventually began, through counselling and a group called RASAC, to confront what had happened to her and realise it wasn’t her fault. It was 17 years later that she found her voice, but only to one person. It would be nearly 10 years on from that before she truly found her voice and felt able to speak about what happened with someone other than her therapist.
Calleigh told me that rape is, in her opinion, the worst crime. She told me she would rather her rapist had killed her, because even 27 years later she is still living with what he did and what he took from her that night. The trust issues she lives with daily. She wonders if the post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) nightmares will ever go away – waking up at 3am dripping in cold sweat, heart pounding. For her, strangers aren’t the problem. Her rapist was someone she knew, someone she saw as a friend. That destroyed her ability to trust anyone she got close to, and that legacy, if you will, remains to this day. She was 16 when she was raped in her own home by someone she thought she could trust.
They say your home is supposed to be your safe haven. For her, from that moment on until she moved out, it was a daily reminder of all that he took, of all he destroyed. She still visits her childhood home to this day and still stiffens as she walks past where it happened. You see, while her rapist’s life went on as normal, hers will never be the same again. She will never trust fully, she will never feel truly safe. She called it the matryoshkas of trauma – those Russian dolls stacked inside each other. Every time you get through one layer of trauma, and you try to heal that, you find another one lurking underneath.
Physical scars heal, but the emotional and psychological scars survivors are left with stay with them for life.
Rape myths and rape culture
There are misconceptions regarding rape that to a large degree unfortunately still prevail. The biggest one that haunted her was: “If she doesn’t say no, it’s not rape.” Another myth is the fight myth. Often people believe that if a person doesn’t fight it isn’t rape. Fight is just one of the five Fs of trauma. These being: fight, flight, freeze, flop and friend/fawn. These are the body’s automatic survival responses to perceived danger. Some people will experience all of these, others will experience some, and some only one. There is no set set of rules that each person follows.
Calleigh didn’t know about these until she sought out counselling nearly two decades on; however, she had felt she hadn’t run fast enough, she hadn’t fought hard enough, that she just “gave up to her fate” – her words not mine. The reality is that she had tried to flee, she had tried to fight, she had frozen and finally she had hit the fourth F of trauma, she had flopped.
We went on to discuss rape culture and the deep misogyny that runs through society. Rape culture is pernicious. From unsolicited “dick pics”, to victim blaming, to slut shaming. We live in a society that sees women as less than men. The patriarchy is alive and well and women suffer as a result.
From an early age women are hyper-sexualised by society. They are predisposed to believe they are the nurturers; they are the homemakers. In many ways society is evolving; in many ways it isn’t. Marital rape wasn’t recognised in English law until 1992, upskirting was only made a criminal offence under the Voyeurism Act in England in 2019, and cyberflashing (so called dick pics) was only made a criminal offence last year.
Women still have a long way to go but they cannot do it alone. They need allies. They need people in power across all genders to stand up against this culture. To call out the rape jokes, the sexist comments. They need people to treat sexual assault and rape seriously regardless of the time that has transcended between the event itself and when they feel able to speak up about it.
Calleigh said she feels guilty feeling the way she does, living day to day never knowing when her PTSD will strike, given her trauma was so long ago that her experience would now be classified as non-recent (historic) sexual assault. She feels that society treats this differently to current sexual assault and I am inclined to agree.
How society treats rape survivors
Calleigh’s experience is unfortunately not unusual. From the event itself to the aftermath and the guilt she felt, this is a story that we hear time and time again.
She felt it was important to highlight the way society treats rape and survivors of rape, the way in which survivors themselves are predisposed to feel, and to discuss what, if anything, society has done differently in the 27 years since she was assaulted.
She starts by telling me that her religious upbringing played a part in her not being able to face what had happened or to tell anyone.
“I was always taught that sex was between a husband and wife in the sanctity of marriage; that you saved yourself for love. At the age of 16, being somewhat naive about these things, while I knew about sex from sex education classes at school it wasn’t something that was discussed.”
Calleigh knew what rape was – she had learned about consent. “No means no” was drummed into her from the beginning of her “sex education” classes at school. She had an interest in crime books so had read about the subject as well, but this was somehow different. She reminds me that she couldn’t remember saying no, so in her head she hadn’t been raped at all. She knew it wasn’t what she had wanted but she didn’t know what it was.
Often the survivor absorbs the perpetrator’s guilt as their own either through predisposition to do so, or through external factors. How often have we seen cases in court where women are asked, “How much did you drink?”, “What were you wearing?” I am reminded of the case of Lindsay Armstrong in 2002 who, when testifying against her rapist, was forced to hold up her underwear in court while on the stand. Somehow, it’s the woman’s fault. It’s almost like society cannot fathom the concept that women’s bodies are autonomous and thinks that when a man chooses to act against that, it has to have been caused by the survivor.
I asked Calleigh whether she felt society treats rape and its survivors differently now than it did back then. She shook her head sadly, eyes cast down. She didn’t need to say anything. I understood. I thought about Donald Trump, a convicted rapist in power in arguably the most powerful country in the world. I thought about the doctor who wasn’t struck off after he raped a patient as it was seen as a “one-off”. I thought about the MeToo movement, and I was left wondering: how many more women? How many more broken hopes and dreams? How many more lives destroyed? How many more women must suffer in silence, too afraid to speak out. I’m not naive enough to think there is a solution out there, a world in which rape doesn’t exist. I wish there were, but that is unrealistic. I just wish there was a world in which survivors of rape were treated as that – victims and survivors, not made to feel that they were responsible for their own trauma.
As mine and Calleigh’s time together drew to a close, I was struck by the detached manner in which she spoke about her own trauma versus the empathic tone she took when discussing others’ pain and trauma – something she told me she struggled with herself. I asked if she was going to be OK; after all, we had just spent a significant time opening up her trauma. She brushed it off and reminded me that’s exactly what her Pandora’s box was for. Just before we said our goodbyes she left me with this comment:
“Historical sexual assault may seem to some less important than other more recent events, but what is historical to many is my past, my present and my future.”
If you have been affected by Calleigh’s story, there are places and people you can speak to by contacting one of the below organisations:
Sources of help in Central England
The Blue Door is there to support people in Humberside, Hull, Scunthorpe, Grimsby and the East Riding of Yorkshire. It offers listening, counselling, practical advice and help with working out how to stay safe if a situation is ongoing. Specialist support is available for men and LGBTQ+ people.
Freeva provides support to people from Leicester, Leicestershire and Rutland. It has a helpline and deals with domestic abuse as well as sexual abuse. Specialist support for men, BAME people and LGBTQ+ people is available. It can arrange counselling and referrals to other services.
Lincolnshire Rape Crisis has a 24/7 helpline and helps people regardless of gender. It offers specialist support for young people, and help is available in several different languages.
Notts SVS Services helps people across Nottinghamshire who are 13 or over. It has specialist support for young people, men, LGBTQ+ people and BAME people, and it also helps survivors of female genital mutilation (FGM). It has a helpline and a drop-in centre and offers traditional counselling as well as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) andEye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy.
SARAC provides support for people aged 11 and older who live in Burton, Lichfield, Tamworth, Uttoxeter, Swadlincote or South Derbyshire. Specialist support is available for young people and men. It has a helpline, can provide counselling and can make referrals to additional services.
Staffordshire Women’s Aid is there for everyone over the age of four, regardless of gender, and also offers services for family members and others affected because a loved one has been assaulted. Users can choose if they would rather speak to a woman or a man. They offer counselling and practical help and will even be there in court to provide support if needed.
SV2 helps people in Derby and across Derbyshire, regardless of gender. It can provide counselling and help with practical issues, with specialist services available for under18s.
West Mercia Rape & Sexual Abuse Support Centre is there for people in Herefordshire and Worcestershire. It offers counselling and support groups for adults, as well as specialist services for those aged five to 18. Its team is specially trained to understand the different issues faced by LGBTQ+ people and members of BAME communities.
National support services
Sarsas supports survivors of sexual abuse and violence of all kinds, regardless of how long ago it happened and regardless of their gender. It offers a helpline and a live chat service. It can also arrange specialist support for people who are neurodivergent or have learning difficulties.
The 24/7 Sexual Abuse Support Line provides long term support to people aged 16 or over. It’s available round the clock in 24 languages and is a safe place to get help for migrants who don’t feel safe with other services because they don’t have leave to remain.
Victim Support can help with making the decision about whether to report an incident of sexual abuse, no matter how long ago it happened. Its specialist advisors can work out which charges might be possible and advise on what to expect, as well as providing support during the process.
Samaritans provide a 24/7 helpline for free. Call them on 116 123
Rape Crisis in England and Wales provide a 24/7 support line and online support
