Stratford’s political comedy of errors

If Stratford-on-Avon is known for anything, it’s performance, and while the Bard still stalks the streets of the town, his ghost filling the pockets of local traders 400 years after he effected his own post-birthday bash demise, politics has conspired to briefly dislodge his crown in the entertainment stakes.

Of course, Shakespearean productions are two-a-penny in its world-famous theatre, but it’s in the fields and streets of the Stratford parliamentary constituency that a comedy act of panto proportions has hit the stage lately.

Less slick thespian artistry, more knockabout farce, the selection of candidates to represent the town in the forthcoming general election has an air of chaos theory about it.

Act I – Exit, pursued by a reputation

Let’s peruse the dramatis personae of the candidates; first we have Baron-Not-So-Hardup, the baddie who slunk off into the wings during the first act and is played by former Chancellor and Stratford MP Nadhim Zahawi. Booed offstage early doors, he finally succumbed to the lure of lucre and abandoned his blighted constituents. Enter plucky Leading Girl and local Lib Dem Manuela Perteghella, understandably seeing an opportunity to step into the Tory vacuum with promises to clean up the sewage-strewn River Avon, fix GP and dentist waiting times and reduce the cost of living – all this and no mention of magic beans. Ably assisted by the tumbling and pratfalls of Davey the Clown, the impish Manuela almost thigh-slapped her way through a trouble-free campaign before managing to snatch a defeat from the jaws of victory by failing to invite the esteemed local paper, the Stratford Herald, to a publicity bonanza hosted by Davey at a local water park.

Act II – The battle

Meanwhile, the local Tories, who had been indulging in a little background stage fighting between themselves, finally offered up their leading man – no panto dame this time – with man being the operative word. The opportunity to shatter a glass ceiling built up by almost 150 years of male Tory (and one Liberal) MPs in the district proved wholly unappealing. Equally, the chance to select a local candidate proved too much to stomach, too, so once again they opted to parachute in a favoured son in the shape of former Haywood and Middleton member Chris Clarkson, a man who, when his previous constituency was dissolved amid boundary changes, swore that his days in politics were done! Yes, but Stratford-on-Avon, Chris? Oh, OK, go on then. Whether Clarkson will do enough to elicit rousing cheers from his adoring audience remains to be seen, but a shallow dive into his past turns up Clarkson calling the late Princess Diana “a two-bit slag”, so he may struggle with the Royalist vote.

Until a few days ago, it seemed that offstage battles among the Tories might result in them garnering laughs with a little foot-shooting act, as local Blues had launched a campaign for a native candidate. With the catchy moniker of Stratford CAN (Conservatives Against Nadhim), they’d quickly become out-of-date when the dastardly ex-MP did half of their job for them by quitting. Now they just wanted a local option and, when they didn’t get one, they stamped their feet and marched off in a huff, but not before urging everyone to vote for the Lib Dems or Reform because their candidates are, you guessed it, local!

Act III – Crowd scene

Just when the audience was starting to flag and it seemed that the laughs might have dried up, enter the Greens. Huzzah! Experiencing something of a triumph last year when they had three of their number elected to the Stratford District Council, hopes were high for a good showing at the General Election. And then they weren’t. It started well when they chose local candidate, Sherron Guise, to represent them, but then it seems they had a crisis of conscience when they realised that they might take votes away from the Lib Dems and Ms Guise stood down – they became dis-Guised, if you like. But wait, what’s this? Galloping in from the wings is Stafford (that’s Stafford) Borough Councillor Doug Rouxel whose name will be on Stratford ballot papers as a Green Party candidate but who is, er, not contesting the seat. Hope giggles don’t turn to groans.

Among the bit part players are Reform’s James Crocker who’ll doubtless rejoice in the re-re-re-incarnation of Nigel Farage, a one-man ‘poll vaulter’, and will pick up the votes of Stratford’s not inconsiderable disaffected. Former Stratford Mayor Kevin Taylor is a late entry as an independent, and the wonderfully named Neil O’Neil will represent the New Open Non-Political Organised Leadership Party whose non-political stance seems to fall at the first given that they’re standing candidates in a political election. The Schrödinger Party, anyone?

Act IV – The not-so-grand finale

Finally, the last act sees the Labour Party candidate enter proceedings. Peeking nervously from behind the flats, Coventry councillor Seyi Agboola smiles gamely on his promo material, but there’s a sadness behind the smile. He knows that the chances of Labour being elected in Stratford are so microscopically small that he’ll just play a small cameo role at the hustings and disappear into the night before the curtain call. In his ears will echo the words of Theodore Roosevelt: “the only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.” There’s some wisdom in that, although few laughs.