Brexit bingo: Operation Yellowhammer’s full house

Artwork Sadie Parker

Eyes down, everybody!

Good evening, ladeez and gentlemen, welcome to our special Brexit Bingo session – we’re calling it Yellowhammer Housey Housey. Step right up to see who’ll be havin’ it large tonight.

Complete a line and you win a little bit of bread (but no cheese, of course). Hang on for a full house to grab the top prize – enough unleaded to keep you on the road for a week. What are you waiting for? You can’t get this stuff anywhere else. Certainly not on the forecourts, anyway.

Prick those ears and hover those dobbers – we’re off!

Thirty three, all at sea

That’s right. The UK’s fishing industry has been sunk by Brexit, despite promises made by the Brexiters before the referendum. Red tape has proliferated, prices have fallen and the industry has lost as much as 80% of its market.

Sixty eight, don’t be late

Although that’s looking unavoidable right now. We Brits are outside the EU. Seamless passage through the 27 countries of the block is a thing of the past.

Pass the port, number five

Flow rates through UK ports have tumbled since January because of delays at our shiny new border. And remember, we haven’t even implemented import checks on food yet. Next year is going to be even better!

Two little ducks

Oops, hang on, scrub that. Poultry suppliers are struggling without EU workers. Don’t expect to get a turkey for Christmas. Or the vegetables to go with it. How about a cheeky Nando’s instead? Oh..sorry, that’s not available either.

Doctors orders, number nine

Get them in early, folks. Our Brexit-hampered supply chains are struggling to deliver to pharmacies on time. That’s if you can get a prescription at all. The fuel crisis has left many healthcare professionals struggling to get to work. Some brave souls are considering sleeping over, just to keep their practice open.

Here’s a mystery bonus number. This one isn’t on your cards, we kept it up our sleeve as a surprise. Forty two, pile of poo: thanks to Brexit, all the untreated sewage that is daily dumped into our waterways has now been officially approved!

Pandemic pets – wot, no vets?

Pet ownership shot up during the pandemic as we turned to our furry friends for company and comfort. Unfortunately, the number of vets in the UK went in the opposite direction. The long-standing shortfall in UK-trained vets was filled, prior to Brexit, by EU vets coming here to work. Since Brexit, that number has plummeted by up to 80%.

Eighty four, civil war

Boris Johnson’s very own Northern Ireland Protocol (NIP) continues to bend the light of reality. The DUP, which voted for Brexit, has today doubled down against the NIP. Which was an integral part of the Brexit they voted for. Brexit may fracture the 100 year union between Great Britain and Northern Ireland. It may even cause the return of a hard border in Ireland and all the troubles that go with it.

Number ten, lights out

The soaring wholesale price of gas is putting UK suppliers out of business and leading to all sorts of difficulties, including yet more trouble for our beleaguered food chain. Since we are out of the EU Internal Energy Market, we cannot work with other European countries to regulate this. Last week, our gas was five times as expensive as Germany’s. There’s another Brexit promise gone up in smoke.

Still alive at eighty five?

Social care was at breaking point even before we left the EU in January. The Nuffield Trust has identified seven ways that Brexit can only make things worse.

So there we are, ladeez and gentlemen, that’s about it for tonight. We hope you’ve enjoyed this session of Yellowhammer Housey Housey, everyone’s a winner after all! It’s so popular we’re thinking of renaming it Yellowhammer House of Horror.

Let’s pull out one final ball before we go:

Number One, you’ve been done

Yes we have. To a turn.

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